A world-renowned therapist, Mira Kirshenbaum has treated thousands of men and women caught in the powerful drama over what to do when an affair reaches into their emotional lives. Now, in When Good People Have Affairs, Kirshenbaum puts her unsurpassed experience into one clear, calming place. She gives readers everything they need to cut through the thickets of fear, hurt and confusion to find their ways to happier, more solid relationships with the person who’s right for them. For example, Kirshenbaum identifies seventeen types of affairs, helping readers figure out which type they’re in and what it means. Is it a:
--“See-if” affair?
--Ejector-seat affair?
--Distraction affair?
--Unmet-needs affair?
--Panic affair?
Kirshenbaum encourages honest answers to such questions as:
--What am I missing in my marriage?
--How do I decide between two people when it’s like comparing an apple to an orange?
--How do I decide to end my marriage, end my affair, or end them both?
She leads readers through six easy-to-navigate steps that will take anyone from anxiety to clarity. When Good People Have Affairs will be a lifeline to any man or woman who feels caught between two lovers, and its insights are indispensable to anyone else touched by an affair.
Customer Review: A book long overdue
Long ago I read Kirshenbaum's book "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay" and underlined so much of it there was hardly a clean page left. Now all these years later I have read her latest book; "When Good People Have Affairs" and can say that this book has been asking to be written for a very long time. Critics who say this subject matter shouldn't be written about are no different than people who say that an elephant in the living room should not be talked about.
The facts are the facts; for a myriad of reasons people are drawn into affairs and the truth is it simply is not as black and white as many people want to think that it is. Of course there are lots of examples of people who are simply not trustworhty and cannot seem to commit when it comes to relationships and marriage. We all know those stories. The other side of the coin however, is that good people DO have affairs. And just as there are short term affairs that are flings there are also long term affairs that are deep love affairs.
Sometimes the one in the marriage has been hurt and hurting for a long time. The reason they do not go ahead and divorce is connected with a myriad of complexities; family expectations, property issues, social status, as well their own personalities and simply not wanting to have to deal with any more pain in their lives as well as not wishing to cause others close to them any pain. Not wanting to hurt either their spouse or their children they feel caught in an agonizing situation. As an Episcopal priest I know this to be a fact.
I am very grateful to Mira Kirshenbaum for having the courage to write this much needed book. I only hope that down the road she will address the issue of the unmarried person in the affair; usually the woman, as well as the issue of how adult children play into the reason why their parents feel they cannot extricate themselves out of a marriage that for all intents and purposes died a natural death long before the affair began in the first place.
While this book is focused on the married partner in an affair, it is still very helpful for the single partner. Indeed it was the single partner in such a situation who told me about the book in the first place. Knowing that someone like Mira Kirshenbaum is out there; not only recognizing the reality of these situations but looking into the causes and the solutions, is like water flowing into a dry desert for those who find themselves caught in what can be a very lonely place.
Verdict: of course, being published in a deeply religious and bigot society, the book does NOT touch the real points (like why "marriage" has been invented and made the rule, and why it is nonsensical in most aspects) and does not promote the probably most loving and helpful solution (networks and/or neo-tribes of loving people, fluctuating freely. The concepts of "polyamory" get close to it). But it is a start. Leave the preachers of sin and guilt and the bigots behind. Free your mind. Free your love.
Click here to read more and order it on Amazon.com !
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